youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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