I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
