Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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