ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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