Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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