hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
