I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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