I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
