Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
