dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i was born a porn star she said
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
