the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My balls are so social today.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
