I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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