Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.