He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The best revenge is premature balding
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.