i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
