Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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