I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
