That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
