the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
