Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
