you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
