My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
