hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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