I showed him my bush... on skype.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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