Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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