Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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