Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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