New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
