I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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