Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
