Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
