The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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