Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
