just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
