Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
