You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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