I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
