if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
