do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
