Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
