my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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