forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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