Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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