saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Bring me that man meat
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize
