You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
