I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
