just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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