Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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