I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
