I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
