The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
