If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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