Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm getting married
To pizza
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