Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
