I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
