he wants to bone in the snuggie
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
