Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
