If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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