If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just gift wrapped bread.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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